Well, Championship Sunday is over, the Super Bowl is set, and now I've got two whole weeks to learn about every single player's personal background, from some poorly concocted tale of how Aaron Rodgers grew up with his bedroom walls covered in Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans posters, to FOX's recreation of the Ben Roethlisberger bathroom incident, complete with Jimmy Johnson as Roethlisberger and Howie Long as the victim. Was that too long of a sentence to start my blogging career? Anyway...with all of the downtime between now and Feb. 6, I decided that it was time to start my own blog. But I didn't stop there. I decided that in order to give my blog a feel of authenticity, I needed to have something at stake when the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers take the field in a little less than two weeks (by the way, just pour some bleach in that bay and it'll be back to blue in no time). Simply choosing a team wouldn't be enough. As much as I love quarters, especially when I have a lot of them (they add up), I've found that flipping one and allowing the outcome to determine my allegiance is just lacking a little something. So I set out to do the only thing I could think of that would truly bind me to one of the remaining two teams. I set out to buy one share of stock in the Green Bay Packers. My first step was to Google "How do I buy stock in the Green Bay Packers?" And the much anticipated results...The last time stock of the Green Bay Packers was sold was in 1997. Stock holders can't sell to other individuals, only back to the team. SHIT!!! Now what? In approximately 17 seconds, my dreams of being an NFL owner were tossed to the ground, stomped on, and finished off with a nice, steaming pile of fecal matter. This is going to be the worst Super Bowl ever. Unless...wait a minute...colleges give out honorary degrees to celebrities. Surely you've heard of some situation at The University of Hypocrisy, where Joe Retard is struggling to get his degree, but at least he's going to class everyday and pluggin' away at it like most people do. In walks Robert DeNiro to give a graduation speech, and he leaves with an honorary degree, probably because he was amazing in Righteous Kill and Rocky and Bullwinkle, two of the most incredible cinematic experiences I've ever had the privilege of witnessing--and by incredible I mean absolute pieces of mule shit. Why can't I get an honorary stock share in the Green Bay Packers? But who do I call? What do I say? Lightbulb...I don't need to contact the Green Bay front office. I've got a far better idea. Fast forward 7 minutes, and with the help of a blank sheet of 8x11 paper, one yellow Crayola crayon and one green Crayola crayon, I am now a proud, honorary part-owner of the Green Bay Packers. Now I have a team for the Super Bowl, and even better than that, I can blog my advice to Packers Coach, Mike McCarthy, and he has to listen. I'm an honorary part-owner now. So without further ado, here is my breakdown of the Pittsburgh Steelers and my advice (I'll take my Super Bowl Ring in a size 10.5, please) to Coach McCarthy on how to overcome this juggernaut of a franchise.
Dear Coach McCarthy,
***The Pittsburgh Steelers have always been about defense first, and in recent years their defense has been spearheaded by safety, Troy Polamalu. Clearly, if we can disrupt Polamalu, we can disrupt their entire defense. But how do we disrupt a player who is always so locked in? How do we throw off his Terminator-like concentration (if Troy Polamalu had been sent back to 1984, there would be no John Connor to lead a human resistance). The answer is simple. Troy Polamalu clearly loves his hair, as is evidenced by the sheer volume of it, as well as by the instant-classic Head and Shoulders commercial where he boldly lies to the face of a teammate only to sheepishly admit, after what can only be described as 10-15 seconds of near inhumane interrogation, that he did, in fact, use the aforementioned Head and Shoulders. Clearly the answer lies in the hair. And clearly, we need to think back to the 1997 Jennifer Love Hewitt/Ryan Phillippe classic, I Know What You Did Last Summer. As we all clearly remember, Sarah Michelle Gellar played a beauty queen, targeted by an unknown killer who is out for revenge because--dare I say it--he knew what they did last summer (it wasn't anything exciting--they ran a dude over with their car and threw his supposedly lifeless body into the ocean). Well, in my not-so-humble and always correct opinion, the most chilling scene in the movie came when the killer hid in Ms. Gellar's closet until she went to bed. Then, as she slept oh so peacefully, he crept toward her in the darkness of the night with a pair of scissors clutched in his right hand and he...wait for it...CUT HER HAIR!!! (gasp) While the Academy wasn't sold by Gellar's performance of the overall impact of such an unspeakable act, I could clearly tell that her character never fully recovered, right up to the point where she is slashed to ribbons just yards from a passing by parade. What an amazing movie. If only it had also had Robert DeNiro...anyway, may I suggest that we get the previously mentioned unknown killer to do the same to Troy Polamalu? For those of you who think this sounds outrageous, I ask you this: Have you seen the killer in any movies since (perhaps I Still Know What You Did Last Summer--I don't remember that one very well)? Clearly he needs the work. Can you imagine it, Coach? Polamalu takes the field, looking like a Samoan version of Mr. Clean, preoccupied with the thoughts of his hair-gone-missing, not knowing where to line up--instead of planning for his game-changing play, you'll be developing plays that go right at him. By borrowing the plot of one of Hollywood's all-time greats, and with an everyday pair of scissors, we have taken Pittsburgh's strength on defense and turned him into their weak link--mission accomplished.
***Now I'm not here to pass judgment on others (although I will constantly do so, anyway) but I've noticed a chink in Ben Roethlisberger's armor, and it has nothing to do with his play on the field. Instead, his weakness appears to be off the field--more specifically, when alcohol and young women are present. Mr. Roethlisberger appears to have an inability to control his lust for the opposite sex. Taking this into consideration, I propose the following plan. First--and this is the easy part--swap out the Steelers' Gatorade jugs with jugs of Jack Daniels. Perhaps add a pinch of Splenda to disguise the otherwise disgusting flavor of this particular beverage. The alcohol part of the equation has now been accounted for. A nice bonus is that the other players' motor skills should also be impaired by the 3rd or 4th quarter. Now for the young women, and this one is so glaringly obvious that it sickens me that no team has yet taken advantage of this Einstein-esque defensive game plan. Position the Green Bay cheerleaders BEHIND the Pittsburgh line of scrimmage. Why you ask? Well, after hours (and by hours I actually mean less than 15 seconds, accidentally viewed on The NFL Network while channel surfing at 2 in the morning) of film study, I've noticed that Roethlisberger usually has two quarters every game where he plays like a man possessed. He sheds defensive linemen like they're toddlers, makes plays that I can't make on Madden, and seems willing to do anything necessary to make it to the end zone, often running it in on his own. Using a new 360 degree technology that I invented (not really), I noticed that these quarters are always the quarters when the opposing cheerleaders are in the end zone toward which the Steelers are driving. I am perhaps the world's best lip-reader, and I actually transcribed a conversation that I picked up on in the Steelers' huddle during a mid season game, with the ball in their opponent's red zone.
Roethlisberger: Alright guys, just give me a second here. Cheerleaders in end zone...check. Bathroom with deadbolt lock nearby...check. Video cameras disabled...check. Necessary cleaning supplies, including fifty gallons of bleach...check. Alright, here we go--quarterback draw on two. Ready--
Mendenhall: Hey, man, Coach called my number on this one. What the fu--
Roethlisberger: Damnit, Rashard, be a team player for once, and quit cockblockin'! Like I said, quarterback draw on two. Ready, BREAK!
Needless to say, Roethlisberger broke six tackles on his way to the end zone, and then disappeared into the tunnel with a yet-to-be-identified cheerleader hoisted over his shoulder, kicking and screaming. Dennis Dixon was forced to finish the game.
DISCLAIMER: It is possible that I dreamed this. It may not have actually happened, but it probably will at some point.
The answer to all of Green Bay's "Roethlishberger problems" is so clear. Dom Capers doesn't even need to show up. With the cheerleaders behind the line of scrimmage, Roethlisberger will "inexplicably" run toward the sideline time and time again, taking sack after sack, and leading to the worst offensive output in Super Bowl history.
---Betting Tip---If Green Bay does choose to implement this defensive scheme, take the over on sacks. If they don't, bet on Dom Capers not being employed by Green Bay next year. It's foolish not to listen to one of your honorary owners.
So there you have it. With this intricate, yet simple (I know, they're contradictory terms) schemes, we have accounted for Pittsburgh's best player on each side of the ball. In addition, we've managed to severely impair the motor skills of the remaining players, paving the way for a Green Bay victory (please take my advice on the bleach--I get a little more nauseous every time I think of a green bay). If the coaching staff takes my advice, I calling the game at 45-7, with Green Bay hoisting up the Lombardi Trophy. If they don't, I'm calling it at 24-20, with Green Bay still coming out on top. So there you have it, my Super Bowl game plan, and my Super Bowl predictions. I'll have more on the big game next week, along with a Pro-Bowl recap.
Now for a few random observations I've made in the past few weeks.
***I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read, "I suffer from CRS--Can't Remember Shit." I need to get one that reads, "I think all bumper stickers are RFS--Really Fucking Stupid."
***I saw a hitchhiker wearing camouflage. Kinda defeats the purpose of trying to be seen, doesn't it?
***Lock Up, starring Sylvester Stallone, was on TV today. I watched the whole thing. I hate myself right now.
***Nobody names their kids Sylvester anymore. C'mon American...we need a Sylvester revival.
***Roger Goodell will voluntarily cut his salary to $1 if there is a lockout. Let's see...he's been the commissioner for four full years, at $10 million per year, that's $40 million, probably around $20 million after taxes...HOW THE HELL IS HE GONNA MAKE IT??? For the love of God, guys, let's get this thing done! He can't even collect unemployment.
***Do bank robbers ever use the drive-through, and if so, do they put the note and the gun in that little tube? It'd have to be a pretty small gun. Do they wear a mask while they patiently wait for fifteen fucking minutes, and do the tellers ask them how they'd like their bills? I'm just wondering. Any bank robbers out there, let me know.
Well, that's it for my first week. I hope you all enjoyed it (I by you all, I mean you, Hargrave--my one and only follower). I'm gonna do a weekly post, hopefully up every Monday, but I'm a lazy SOB, so probably not a lot of the time. Feel free to make suggestions about topics. I have a random ass mind, and it can go off on just about anything. Later.
